Daddy, this is it. Being-with My Dying Dad

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You did an amazing job, and none of this was your fault. Please message me any time, I'll be here to listen, and I know that sometimes it helps more to vent to someone who's neutral and not emotionally involved with what's happening. You'll find lots of love and support on this forum, and no one will think anything was your fault. Hi there i wonder if you could answer this my partner liz i was always promting her to drink i was saying if you dont drink love you will end up back in haspital i had made here a cup of tea and was chating looke round and she had had a majore stroke did i couse it of course i didnt but till i found out i didnt i knocked myself to pieces i forgot a hankie to hold it was a childhood thing as soon as i got to hospital i gave her a hand towle later when my son came i whent home got her some nightys and things and some hankies to be honest i was exhausted i got no support from lizs famile so i was so busy now to you you will be thinking well its not fault.

Realise that. No you're not at all, accepting the death of someone close to us is the hardest thing. I blamed myself for years for my dad's death. He was dying, brain tumor inoperable. I was alone with him and decided to wet his lip which I'd been doing all day.

Tamara Levitt’s review of Daddy, This Is It. Being-With My Dying Dad

I touched his tongue and triggered a gag reflex. Also I took the decision to take him off antibiotic and just give morphine. I felt as if I alone was completely responsible for his death. I now know a brain tumor killed my dad, he just didnt get the death I wanted for him. To just close his eyes and just stop being alive. I just don't think that happens very often. Please remember the love you shared throughout your lives and not the imperfect moment when your dad died of lung cancer.

I had a lot of sleep last night, and feel a bit better today. Still feel bad about how it went down, but remembering the good times helps. Also spoke to a nice girl at Cruse bereavement helpline which helped a bit.

Unexpected Healing: A Memoir of a Father’s Death to Cancer

Very grateful for those volunteers as well as you guys posting on the forum, and of course all of the doctors and nurses and researchers who helped us spend as much time with my Dad as possible. Your post has me crying with empathy. My dad died too a few years ago.

And I also felt guilty at the time. And I didn't drive at the time. So I feel guilty too. The thing is no matter who you are and what your individual situation is, you will exaggerate them in your mind and guilt is very natural. You were tired too and what you said isn't as bad as you think, if your dad hadn't fallen at that particular time then you wouldn't be feeling so bad about what you said.

These Three Words Helped Me Understand My Father’s Death

It was terrible timing for you. To second guess and berate yourself when it wasn't your fault is natural, there will be hundreds of people reading your post and saying oh my god I did that. Your dad had cancer and he was dying and no matter what you did good or bad unfortunately you couldn't stop that. It really wouldn't have made any difference if you had called the GP or ambulance any sooner, I am sorry but two or five minutes wouldn't have saved him and it isn't your fault.

Think of it this way if you had been uncaring you wouldn't have been there for him at all and you wouldn't be feeling guilty, you feel guilty because you care, not because of what you did. Yes I say will remember.

Losing him

Since this is anonymous I am going to tell you what happened to me and you may believe me and you may not but it is true and I am only telling you in the hope that you may read this and that it will give you comfort. I have empathic synesthesia, which means sometimes I can physically feel what others are feeling.

Anyway I was sitting by my dads bed when he died and I physically felt his spirit leave his body and go up like it was a gust of living wind and it was as if this door opened and he went through and then it closed. So I don't know what happens after but for me I don't need to believe in an afterlife because that plus a couple of other events gave me proof.

One of these other events happened at my dad's funeral.

It was weird but it was as if he was standing behind me and I could him say things as people were filing past and shaking hands to leave. And his voice after death is something I hold onto. Its normal to feel this way but you are being too hard on yourself and I hope that you will contact your local cancer support group if these feelings continue because they can arrange for you to see one of their volunteer councillors.

She knows exactly what you are going through because she is going through the same thing in her own way. You need her and she needs you.

Watch: As son dies, father tries to fit a lifetime into months

We each have our own situations which colour our grief. Hello there, I hope you are feeling better today. I feel so much empathy for you. Steve passed away in November He slumped forward and that was that. I think it was the pressure of all the fluid on his heart that, when he sat up, became too much for his poor body. Since Steve died I have been back to see his medical team. He died quickly and mercifully, painlessly. Guilt is a very real and normal reaction to death.

Yesterday I had convinced myself that Steve would still be alive if only he had married somebody different and had a more conventional life. We spent much of our leisure time and money on luxury travel, hotels, food and wine. Who knows? We had 30 years together and I thank my lucky stars that I had such an amazing man in my life. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in november and everything you described resonated with my family's and my experience. My Dad was an incredibly proud man, and he too, resited help until the very last minute.

He also suffered from terminal restlessness, which meant he would sleep for approximately 20 minutes at a time and then wake up in a panic. It sounds like your lovely Dad suffered from this too. Please don't think that you have done anything wrong. You are only human and looking after someone who is actively dying, or terminally ill, is incredibly taxing. Don't be hard on yourself. Your Dad, like mine, would have been super proud of both you and your sister for being by his side and helping him as much as you did.

Don't hold on to the guilt xx. We've all been through something like this - almost everyone feels a degree of guilt and asks whether if they'd done anything differently the outcome would have been different.

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Invariably the answer is "no, you did everything you could have done" but the doubts still nag at the back of your mind. I think I know how you feel and it really wasn't your fault, when my great grandfather died of cancer don't know what one as I was 8 I felt like everything was my fault and I still have to quite recently.

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  • But the point is your father would have know that you loved him and that it was a stressful and scary time for you and your sister, I believe he would have understood completely why you were mad and that it was just because you were tired and scared. Trust me when I say your dad knew that you loved him and that he would have never thought for a minute that you were truly mad at him. I'm grieving for the loss of my grandfather who died recently of very rare blood cancer. Let me say that feeling guilt is a normal reaction to grief.

    Rest assured that it was not your fault what happened and you couldn't of changed the outcome even if you stayed in the room constantly. Now with the fact you felt you had a go at your dad about the urine bottle, you should know that it wasn't actually about this. It had nothing to do with the bottle at all. What it was about was your normal response to your father's impending death and the stress it caused , anybody would have done or said similar at some point.

    Please don't blame yourself, if you and your dad was helping someone else in the same situation I'm sure your dad would tell you the same. I sincerely hope you find peace amoung your heart ache and know your not alone. Best wishes to you my friend. Skip to main content.

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    Grief will let go eventually. And then I’ll remember my dad as he was

    Post to forum. Search Search forum. Do you have a cancer chat password? Yes, I have a password. Remember me. Sign in. I would be happy to receive news and updates from Cancer Chat. Create new account. Leave this field blank. Already a member? Almost 6 months to the day after his passing, he finally delivered in a major way.

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    I heard soft footprints around the corner, and then my father appeared. He was full faced, full bellied, and was grinning from ear to ear.